The Friendly Skies

Last year I went to Colorado to visit my mom for her birthday; I had a nice trip but was ready to come home, as I missed my husband, my cats, the beach, and the 95 degrees of heat in Florida.   I was also f*cking exhausted.  I had spent the last 4 days hiking… and doing all types of outdoorsy shit.  Truthfully, the only kind of outdoorsy shit I like to do is sit my ass on the beach whilst drinking a rum runner. 

My mom drops me off at the airport and holds my hand as she walks me to the security check point.  Yes, I was 29 years old, and she held my hand like I was 4.  I have repeatedly tried to fight this in the past… but she never listens so I just concede and let her… We say goodbye…, she is teary eyed and gets me all choked up… fuck I hate this part. Finally she is on her way back to the car, and I on my way home.  

I grab some crappy airport Burger King breakfast and board the plane.  I was alone in my row, as the other two seats were empty (Oh happy day!) Nothing I like better than stretching out and reading during a flight.  I sit in my seat (window) and wait for takeoff.  Right before we begin to taxi down the runway the door re-opens to let some late arrivals’ on board.   I look up and see two of the largest women I have ever seen in my life step onto the plane.  Now I’m not being mean, these women were very overweight, and there was no way they would be able to fit into the seat comfortably…(for themselves or anyone sitting next to them).  I quickly look at the two seats beside me… and then back up at them.  “Please god…no”, I don’t know if I muttered that out loud or only in my head.  

What I do remember is the flight attendant stopping in front of my row and ushering them in.  Fucking great.  The younger one gets in first and sits right next to me, at that point I realize that one of her rolls isn’t a roll at all… but instead a new born baby, so new, and small that I couldn’t believe it was allowed on a plane.  I roll my eyes and try desperately to push myself into the far side of my seat… as her cup certainly ran over into about a third of my seat.  The very two things I try desperately to avoid sitting next to on an airplane (fatty’s and babies) were now sweating and breathing all over me.  Very funny Karma… you bitch.

The flight attendant walks over and ask's the women if they need anything before takeoff, they laugh, and say “oh no, we’re fine… the little one just loves to fly”… I give them a couple seconds to ooh and aahh over the baby, and then I say…

“Well, I’d like a new seat if there is one available”. 

The flight attendant (while giving me a chastising look) - "Unfortunately there aren’t any available "  

Me- “You didn’t even look”

FA- “I don’t need to, this flight is completely booked”

Me- “Fine, I need double Vodka and Orange Juice then… thanks” 

I get my cocktail after takeoff and slam it down immediately.  If I was going to survive this flight I needed to be medicated…one way or another.

The two women next to me kept talking and talking to each other and the baby.  I learned that they were mother and daughter, and that the baby was only 3 weeks old, and they were from Omaha.  Fucking Midwest…  I’m rather partial to the coast… sorry.

The baby started crying hysterically about fifteen minutes into the flight (she loves to fly my ass).  It was a high shrieking cry… that made my teeth grind.  I shot her mother a “can you please handle your kid” look, and ordered another double from the flight attendant. 

Well lucky for me the babies mom did handle the torturous crying, by feeding the baby… not from a bottle mind you…from her f*cking  gigantic milk filled breast.  It touched my arm, and the odor wafted through my nostrils.  

I immediately started sweating … wishing the plane would just go down, and end this bullshit.   What the fuck is wrong with people?   Bad enough you are taking up more of my seat than me… but now I have to endure your screaming child… and leaking tit, which I might add probably weighed more than me!  There is quite a difference in big nice boobs (which I have) and big disgusting national geographic boobs.  

I tried to meditate and mentally go somewhere more pleasant… however; the babies’ lip smacking and gurgling would constantly bring me back to my current hell.   I had to forgo the vodka, because I didn’t want to open my mouth… and let any of the contaminated air touch my tongue.

It was in fact the longest flight of my life.  We finally landed and my row was of course the last to leave the plane… once I was off of the plane I let out a big sigh, and stretched my cramped little body… In mid- stretch the lady with the baby comes up to me and says “It was nice flying with you”.   Are you fucking kidding me??!!  Nice?? It is was one of the worst experiences of my life!!  Deciding that punching her in her face I didn't even want to speak or look at this woman for another second, I just gave her a murderous look,  turned on my heel and walked away.  


 Next time I am so flying first class.